The Philosophy of Reciprocal Urination

It’s a shame it’s illegal to piss on people. What’s the point of there being people and piss in the same universe if not for the two to eventually become one, in one act of divine alignment? Pissing on people is divine mandate. There are people and there is piss, in the same universe, and a fragile law of man to keep them apart, to keep apart the cosmic certitude of someone being pissed on.

Imagine this. If it was legal and people didn’t care, wouldn’t you piss on people all the time? Think about it. You just woke up after sitting in an office all day transcribing the actions of a man making more money than you and imagine you wake up after a long night of drinking vodka and think about how awesome the idea of pissing on someone becomes at moments like that in a man’s life.

This was a popular subject for philosophers in the late 15th century. They agreed with the primitives: if there’s piss and people, why can’t there be piss on people? Imagine it: a newborn child, of any color and creed, black Jew, Creole republican, glinting in the golden sheen of piss on a sunlit day. Doesn’t that fill your heart with sunshine?

It brings me great joy to announce that there is factual evidence of this event taking place, and, what’s even more amazing, is that there seems to be a great degree of cosmic reckoning going on with the general population. People are getting pissed on everywhere. In bars, in cars, everywhere—what is one to do, when it gets to the point of no return, is one to piss or is one not to piss?

If you ever imagine yourself in this position, in glorious, respectable meditation, or if you find yourself on the verge of dousing your fellow man with your own piss, you must tell yourself: you only live once. Piss on them. Let there be justice. Let the will of the Lord be done. Amen.

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