Turmoil in ancient Egypt? Lol Queen is banging her advisor
The ancient world was a dangerous place, full of marauding bands of thin, hungry people one meal short of eating the first dude to fall asleep. So, in times like these, people have to be careful, and when we think about the past, it’s hard to imagine that people dicked around like we do today, but dick around they did and gloriously at that.
Our first example is perhaps the world’s oldest example of political satire, pornography and vandalism all in one explicit image carved onto the side of an Egyptian monument. At the time it was carved, there was some instability following the death of the great warrior Pharaoh Amenhotep III and when his sister / step mother took over as King of Egypt, this was a sign that shit was on the slippery slope to hell.
One of only a few female pharaohs to rule Egypt in her own right, Queen Hatchetsup was married to her brother at a young age like the rest of the royalty of antiquity, because incest was wincest before Christ. But she was not happy in her marriage, and when Amenhotep died she took over and put on the Sacred Beard of authority, proclaimed herself the Female Falcon, and ruled the shit out of Egypt for several decades.
Not only was she a competent administrator in her own right, but the first images of a visit to sub-Saharan Africa and the first depiction of Elephantitis, the queen of Punt was depicted as a huge bitch in a relief at der Al-ba-ahery; yet Queen Hatchepsut established the first zoo and botanical garden in history, bringing back the seedpods for myrr and all kinds of oils and shit. And how was she rewarded?
The Shitpost
She was famously in love with her advisor, so much so that underground tunnels between their respective tombs met between one another so, once they died, they could meet and grind bones. The Egyptians believed that, essentially, the next world was just like this one but with air conditioning. While it was not proper for the Queen/King to cavort with commoners, it is worth remembering she had the power of legitimate violence on her side and, though people mocked her at a distance, drawing her with exaggerated, balloons as breasts coupled with a stick-figure whose erect phallus is half his body length, that legend, and experts know it is the Pharaoh because of the head gear; the Airaius, the buzzard and cobra, huge boobies and coupled with a stick figure with a mighty phallus protruding towards Her majesty. Whoever did this was probably put to death for his contribution to the intellectual, shitposting heritage of humankind.
Der al-Bahe-ery means ‘united in eternity’, and the graffiti this homie painted showed the two stick figures, the royal highness getting it right in her royal arse sure enough.
NIKASITMOS WAS HERE AND MOUNTING TIMIONA — get it bro!
How common is it for a guy to boast of his sexual exploits? Chances are the last five dudes you talked to, of them at least three spoke of wanting to do what the ancient Greek Nikasitmos did to Timiona, only this was found by archeologists working on the Greek island of Astypalaia and it is beleved to be the world’s oldest erotic graffiti, not withstanding the stickfigure fuckery of our previous entry, and this depiction of a pair of dicks dates to the 5th century BC and is accompanied by our Greek dudebro whose sexual conquest shall stand for all time, a 2,500 year old testament to the unchanging, unflinching persistence of testosterone through time.
This is not unique for Greeks, however, as it seems that wherever they went they had to carve some demeaning shit on whatever they could find. Another traveler was visiting Egypt and, unimpressed by the massive, hulking old ruins of the Pyramids – which were built at a time more distant to Cleopatra than Cleopatra to the premier of Spy Kids in 3D. This Greek asshole made it clear that he was not impressed, writing:
“I VISITED AND I DID NOT LIKE ANYTHING EXCEPT THE SARCOPHAGUS!”
Take that, Egyptians! You cat worshiping fucks!
So, who was this Queen famously portrayed in the world’s oldest graffiti as ‘stick figure pegged against a wall’?
the queen of Egypt, Hatschepsut did not style herself as Queen, but ‘the Female Falcon’, with the falcon being symbolic of the God Osiris. During her reign, her husband and younger brother Amonhotep III was raging boner mad for war and all things human pain and anguish, but from accounts remaining to us Hatschepsut know only unironically wore a beard, a ceremonial bit of dress like the queen’s salary. The Sphinx in egypt, by the way, if the British Museum would return half of its mustache, could be put back together. One half of the Mustache of the Sphinx is in Cairo’s Museum of Antiquities and the British Museum. There is probably enough for a Wikipedia page on the potential items in that gigantic warehouse, and an equally long wikipedia page for all the best shit on earth – that the best british technology could steal at the time.
The crown diamond, a big shiny ass rock to be honest, sparkled so much it gave everyone in the land the respect to the Queen and her impact on tourism. The sphinx’s mustache, alas, was ancient by the time the Female Falcon started fucking her advisor, behind her husband/step-son’s back. And, since he’s training with the military to coup/murder her Maluk Htschpst journeyed to punt, met a woman who had a gross disfurement of elephantitis, and is the first depicition of swole disorder in historical record. The British Museum’s ‘Excised Human Fat” gallery shows how this ailment was thought to make women mad fucking thicc, and so the most attractive of all. In Egyptian art, the queen of punt is so fat her horse is said to have woken up and went to sleep screaming.
Queen in a Maluk’s world.
In her lifetime, The Female Falcon would create the world’s first zoo, or, the world’s first prison if some vegan historians claim. this queen brought back seeds for myrrh, an item so precious a wise man famously gave it to one Jesus H. Christ, who has nothing at all to do with this story, and though the same is true for the old testament, where there is no jesus you simply insert the jesus. Like where there is no opium, you insert the opium and take over Hong Kong. God save the Queen!
Though she ruled as Maluk, a relative to the modern semitic languages of Arabic, “mamaluk” and the hebrew “malekh”, the portrait that emerges from the walls of her mortuary temple is that of a three dimensionn human being, with a love for zoology and animals, fine taste in art as is depicted in a fresco painted during her reign “The Tomb of the Two Pipers”. And this deeply complex woman, whose step-brother became an ex-husband and ran off to tilt at windmills with the army, she ruled Egypt with an iron fist, this woman was a force of nature and among the commoners, what better joke than to paint onto their holy relics and propaganda an image of them being profaned by a stick figure?
The egyptians thought the next world was pretty much just like this one, except there was air conditioning. And the highlight of their life was finishing their transport chamber to the air conditioned next world, where hopefully enough slaves would await them to spare the dearly departed a 9-5 in the afterlife for fuck’s sake.
In the time of Queen of Egypt, the monarch, the king or queen was worshiped. And for the extremely religious people of egypt for a queen to have a side piece raised eyebrows. Or woud, rather, since historians have long known that egyptians shaved every hair on their body. Also they had two names, one only your mother knew and one for the public so someone couldn’t gain power over you by speaking your name. Sensible fucking insurance, and a sensible people; while the queen fucked her boy toi at the world’s first botanical garden, scribes wrote of her conquests and of the construction of Der al-Bahery, the temple of eternity, and there beneath the temple was found a tunnel. This was not known until modern times, and further excavations showed that a tunnel between the tomb of Queen Hatschupsut and her lover, a prominent fuckboi at court and lucky not to have already been murdered by the queen’s military man of a step-brother and husband. But he didn’t coup her when he had the chance, if he wanted the chance, as these monuments were found and the dick drawings came to light, we found a tunnel also at her tomb in the Valley of the Kings, with a K, since she wore a beard without irony and no one among her eunuch staff had the balls to tell her she looked stupid.
The Female Falcon’s memorial, an important symbol for the Pharaoh as they didn’t believe in reincarnation, not per se; but resurrection, that the body would just pass through some mystical barrier and things would be pretty much the same. People are fishing on the nile, selling fish in the markets brings trade, and under the tomb of the queen of egypt is a tunnel, meeting her advisor; and at the center they were buried side by side, connected from her tomb, a mortuary temple monument which described her many deeds and peoples she enslaved, hands she took (in this case, people she murdered; the way to properly count hands in antquity was to cut off everyone’s right hand and then count them.)
So, the crude shitpost with the female falcon, wearing her beard and getting pegged by a commoner at the Temple to Eternity, and the walls are covered in floral art and arabesques of teal, opal and turqoise.
brandon the writer | author & staff writer for sir swag 